awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
