Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
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