Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
