The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
