I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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