Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
