I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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