Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
