his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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