My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
wow bdsm is so cute
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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