Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
