if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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