Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
