i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
