He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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