Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just gift wrapped bread.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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