Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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