Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
