please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
