went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
