I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
