i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I think my moral compass just broke
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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