You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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