I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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