glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
