Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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