dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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