I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Randomize
