I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
