apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
