Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Come on in and take your pants off
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