I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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