I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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