so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
