Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The best revenge is premature balding
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
