Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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