Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
