We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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