she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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