I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Did I show you my penis last night?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
