He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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