I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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