Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Randomize
