a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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