so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
