i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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