I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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