I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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