Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
