Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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