my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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