There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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