proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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