yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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