I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
