He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You pole danced in your parka.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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