He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
