dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
