i need an iv and a liver transplant
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
