If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize