apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
