I think my fart just growled at me.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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