Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
