if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
