I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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